A Rocky start
Help Darryl tackle a major conflict at his first group meeting.
| Topics: | Conflict, Confrontation, Criticism, Fighting, Grudges, Problems, Relationships |
| Filters: | Facilitator, Group Leader, Lead, Teacher |
| Purpose: | Fellowship |
| Date Added: | September 05, 2011 |
Darryl was excited for his small group to begin until he had the first meeting. Darryl is the leader of a newly formed group that includes a variety of people from new believers to long-time church members. Certain that not everyone would know one another, Darryl planned some fun icebreaker activities to start off the night. It quickly became clear that two members know each other all too well.
As group members walked around asking one another questions to fill out Bingo squares, Jan and Sue stayed as far apart as possible. When the group members made up picnic rhymes to describe themselves, Jan scoffed at Sue's rhyme. And when it came time to go over the group covenant, Jan voiced her opinion about Sue loud and clear: "If you value confidentiality in this group, Sue is going to have to go! She can't keep anything a secret."
The group was immediately silent, and Sue turned the color of a tomato. Darryl tried to move the group forward by commenting that he had every reason to believe Sue was capable of complying with the group covenant. He quickly pushed on to the next point.
After the prayer time that closed the meeting, Sue quietly excused herself and left. The next morning Darryl received an angry e-mail from Sue stating that she would never attend the group again as long as Jan was attending. An hour later, Darryl received an e-mail from Jan stating that she would never attend a group that Sue was part of, and demanded that he kick Sue out of the group.
What should Darryl do? How should he handle this conflict and help the group get back on track at the next meeting?
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A great tool for you would be to read "The Peacemaker" By Ken Sande It will give you some great insight to solving disputes in the way God would have us to.
I think he should play the role of a reconciler. He should visit each separately and try to hear what each has against the other and then talk to each about the need for us to embrace each other as Christians. Prayer for wisdom will be very essential in the entire process.
As the leader in the group, I think I would talk with Sue and ask her if she felt she was able to abide by the principle of confidentiality and ask if she felt comfortable sharing with me if she had shared something outside of confidence (accidentally or intentionally) at some previous point. Assuming the conversation goes well I would plan to make sure Sue felt comfortable I wanted her at our meeting and would do my best to create a safe place for her to be. I would talk with Jan about her about her comment at the meeting. I would ask if something she had shared with Sue was shared when shared in confidence. I would ask if she had talked with Sue about the issue and encourage her to resolve it. I would let her know that I wanted her at our group, but that it would be a place where it was not okay to malign other group members. I would encourage her to forgive Sue, and believe in a spirit of Christian community that growth is possible. I would revisit this next meeting.
1. Enlist prayer. 2. Try to connect with each one separately. You would need to evaluate their spiritual status (saved or unsaved, familiarity with Scripture, etc.) It would probably be better if a female could do that, if possible, for relational reasons. 4. Two issues: a. The Mt. 5:23-24; 18:15 principles, which it looks like the pair needs help carrying out. b. The effect on the group. I would take time in the next session to discuss not the event, but how to handle offenses biblically, so the griup could have a "teachable moment," so to speak. 5. Although you would hope they would return to the group, it is up to them. The Holy Spirit is the controller if that! This can help the group and the ladies grow, but it might also be protecting the group.
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