The Common Obstacles Men Face in Groups

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And what you as a group leader can do about them

Dave Treat | posted 5/30/2011

Topics:	Connecting, Couples, Fathers, Husbands, Men, Problems, Relationships, Sons
Filters:	Fathers, Group Leader, Host, Member, Men, Train
Purpose:	Discipleship
References:	Proverbs 20:5 , Proverbs 27:17
Date Added:	May 30, 2011

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Note: this article has been excerpted from the SmallGroups.com training resource titled Effective Small Groups for Men.

It's no secret that men do not normally line up to join small groups. Their reasons for resisting are usually complex, often practical, and sometimes a little paranoid. It's not that they don't want to be in a group. All men want to be in a small group—until they find out they have to go to one.

Ask any guy if he wants to be in a "band of brothers." The answer is almost always yes. He wants to be accepted, admired, and protected by men he accepts, admires, and protects. Acceptance: in spite of his shortcomings. Admiration: of each other's complementary strengths. Protection: as we look out for each other and watch each other's backs.

Team sports are a good example. Guys who have played, won, and lost together often find that the common challenges and celebrations have given them a bond in community that they long for later in life. There is something both touching and sad, however, about a man describing his experience in a tight-knit community starting with "I remember back in High School …."

The idea of community is appealing. It's fear that prevents guys from jumping in, and men have very different fears. Some fear possible exposure of something they want to hide. Some fear that the cost of community (time, competing interests) outweighs the benefits. For some men the ultimate fear is: It might not be worth it. I might be wasting my time.

Two Kinds of Men

When I joined the Men's Ministry staff at Willow Creek Community Church, Tim VanDenBos made an observation that turned out to be one of the best lessons I've ever learned: "Men's ministry is an interesting thing" he said. "You've got to know which guys to hug and which guys to kick in the butt. And you can't afford to make a mistake."

Some men are in desperate need of acceptance. Their view of God has been skewed by rejection and failure, and they need to be around godly men who can provide emotional and spiritual support (a hug, in other words). Other men need an "in your face" challenge to step up and accept responsibility for their own spiritual growth—a kick in the butt.

I needed a good butt-kicking. I was being discipled by a retired missionary who had hand-selected a few guys in which to invest. He gave me some assignments, which I failed to complete. When I told him, he closed the book we were studying, shut his Bible, and put away his pen. He lowered his voice and said: "You are wasting my time. If you don't want to do this, there are other guys waiting to take your place." A gentle word was all I needed to hear, but he had to use a 2 x 4 to get my attention first.

Another way of classifying these two kinds of men is by what they are likely to raise as objections to an invitation to community. You might think of these as fear of exposure and fear of waste.

Fear of Exposure

When I first accepted an invitation to join a men's group, I couldn't imagine what it would be like. Guys sitting around and talking about personal stuff? Not for me! I think most guys would rather be nibbled to death by minnows than find themselves in a circle "sharing their feelings." What sold me on giving the group a try was the attitude of the men involved. Male friends (whom I admired) confessed that "we are in this together" and that by talking about our mutual challenges, spiritual wins and losses, we would be able to help each other become Godly men.

Most men want to know: "What will you ask me to do? Will I be shamed for my behavior? Will I be embarrassed by my lack of Bible knowledge? Will I be asked to pray out loud? What will I be asked to reveal? What's the worst case scenario?" (Incidentally, the worst case scenario is this: on the first night of group, the leader asks: "What's the worst sin you've ever committed? Give details, assuming the Statute of Limitations has run out.")

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