When the Conflict Involves You
Practical guidelines for leading in a difficult situation
Betty Veldman-Wieland | posted 9/08/2008
| Topics: | Arguments, Conflict, Controversy, Disagreements, Fighting, Interpersonal skills, Opposition, Problems |
| Filters: | Apprentice, Group Leader, New leader, Train |
| Purpose: | Discipleship |
| References: |  |
| Date Added: | September 08, 2008 |
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Conflict is a normal part of small-group life. In fact, if we don't have conflict, someone is not being honest. People are just too different from one another to avoid it completely.
Personally, I do not like conflict. It makes me feel, well, conflicted! At the same time, I believe that understanding the nature of conflict and being prepared to deal with it as a small-group leader, coach, or staff person is essential for people's spiritual growth and for a small-group ministry to thrive.
The following guidelines have been helpful for me in dealing with conflict, and I hope they can help you as well in your small-group leadership role.
Know How You Deal With ConflictThe old adage, "Physician, heal thyself!" truly applies here. Leaders who understand their own conflict management style approach conflict in an informed way. We all have strengths and weaknesses in dealing with conflict. Whether we will be helpful or a hindrance may depend on our understanding of what we bring to the conflict table.
The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Inventory is a helpful tool for understanding the various conflict management styles. What is your primary style? Do you compete or collaborate? Do you compromise and accommodate or try to avoid conflict completely? No one style is right for every situation, but understanding your primary response will help to keep conflict in perspective.
I like to avoid conflict. When I confront it, I first look for a compromise. Knowing that about myself has been important when I need to die to my "preferred" conflict management style in order to do what is best for others. I remember well when I needed to confront a small-group leader about talking too much.
I tried tactfully, gently, and indirectly to approach the subject. The leader looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Betty, what are you trying to say to me?" My astonishment at such a direct approach must have been written all over my face because the leader leaned forward, touched my arm and said, "Please, I need to hear this from you. Tell it to me straight."
Adapt to the Other PersonI learned a valuable lesson in the above situation. Though I wanted to avoid conflict, this leader needed me to be direct and confrontational. In dealing with conflict, we need to consider the conflict management style of those we deal with as well as our own style. We need to adapt to the people with whom we are dealing. This does not necessarily mean compromising—though it might—but it means communicating in a manner in which they can understand and relate.
Pray!This may seem like a no-brainer, but it needs to be underscored. The potential for conflict to be destructive is huge. It is hard to be objective as a leader. We all have biases and personal viewpoints. There is great temptation to defer to our preferred outcome rather than to facilitate an honest confrontation of an issue. It takes being submissive to the Holy Spirit's leading to keep us honest and in tune with what God desires.
Think Gray And ListenDiscerning where God is leading in times of conflict includes reserving judgment until we have all the evidence. It is what The Contrarian's Guide to Leadership calls "thinking gray." Most issues are not black and white. We need to listen carefully—for feelings as well as facts—and to reserve judgment until all parties involved have had a fair hearing. Doing this builds trust. It also gives us the time needed to sense where the Holy Spirit is at work.
Differentiate between Problems and People, Issues and Emotions, Facts and Feelings
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Deborah Huff
Our churches have different groups throughout each week pertaining to different issues that confront many on a daily basis. If one group was held throughout each week in our churches that focused on living our lives in a Christ like manner each day, would not that cover how to deal with any issue we are confronted with and deal with it exactly the way Christ would want us to? The answer to all our problems, issues are completely made known by Christ's teachings in the Holy Bible. Thank you for allowing my input and God bless.
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