Coping with People Who Beef, Bite, and Bellyache

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How to Handle Difficult Relationships in Your Small Group

Dr. Les Parrott | posted 3/05/2008

Topics:	Communication, Confrontation, Difficult people, Group dynamics, Interaction, Relationships
Filters:	Counseling groups, Group Leader, Member, Train
Purpose:	Discipleship
References:	Psalm 92:12-15 , Romans 12:2 , Romans 12:18
Date Added:	March 05, 2008

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Note: This article has been excerpted from the SmallGroups.com training tool called Ministering to Difficult Group Members.

As kids, it never occurred to us to "work" on any of our relationships. They just happened. And if for any reason they didn't, we jumped ship. No fuss, no muss.

But somewhere along the line, each of us entered the fray of mature relationships—and things got dicey. We learned that some people were more difficult, if not impossible, to get along with. We learned that trusted friends could betray us. Authority figures we admired could snub us. A colleague's constant criticism could hurt us. And even family members with important information could leave us out of the loop. But we also learned that, unless we wanted to be hermits, we couldn't abandon every relationship that hits a snag. That's the rub with difficult people—we sink or swim together, especially in a small group.

A pioneering band of researchers has studied the age-old mystery of what makes people happy, in a general sense. Their answer is not what you might expect. What comes up consistently at the top of the charts is not success, good looks, or any of those enviable assets. The clear winner is relationships. Close ones—the kind of relationships that small groups engender.

But such research raises an interesting question: If relationships make us so happy, why do so many of them make life so difficult? And more importantly, what can we do to keep our cool, stand our ground, and reach positive solutions when we find ourselves in a group with high-maintenance relationships?

Defining the Issue

About 40 years ago, William Schutz was requested by the U. S. Navy to construct an instrument that would help them assemble compatible submarine crews—groups of men who could live together, elbow to elbow, for extended periods of time with minimum conflict. Schutz determined that compatible behavior was determined primarily by "natural fit." In other words, people who get along well with each other do so without much effort. Their relationship doesn't require much work; you could say it is low-maintenance.

Hopefully, you have a few low-maintenance members in your small group—people with whom you naturally fit. Sure, you may hit temporary turbulence together from time to time, but it's periodic and the relationship stays on course. If you are like most people, however, you also have some small-group relationships that aren't so easy. These are the impossible people who beef, bite, and bellyache. They give you the cold shoulder, require special attention, play the victim, dominate the group, or trample other people's feelings.

So, you may wonder, are we simply left to wallow in the misery they create? Hardly.

After combing libraries, listening to small-group leaders, and surveying dozens of small-group members, I have concluded that it is possible to make most high-maintenance relationships much better—in many cases, better than you could even imagine. Scripture not only says, "If it be possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18), it also promises that when we work at turning from our self-centered ways to building up our relationships, we "flourish like a palm tree … like a cedar of Lebanon" (Psalm 92:12). The effort you exert to improve a difficult relationship is almost always rewarded with new vitality for you and your group.

Maybe you are free from passive-aggressive group members, or members that are highly critical or controlling. Or maybe you've never encountered any other descriptions that fall under "difficult people" in a small group. If so, read no further. Consider yourself lucky, and extremely rare. But if you are like most group members dealing with difficult people, I offer the following key suggestions.

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Vivian Lewis

February 09, 2011 3:37pm

Good article. Coming from the perspective of a small group leader coach and counselor, these pointers make good sense. It's important to remember that a good group leader must be attentive to the group as a whole and the reality is that small groups are made up of people who are human and will have their share of challenging temperaments that can affect the health of the group. Self-awareness is important as a small group leader because it fosters sensitivity to the feelings of everyone in the group. If I find myself reacting in a negative way to someone who is being insensitive or hurtful, then I can't be the model that I need to be for the rest of the group. I have to find good coping skills to deal with what is going on. It's not discounting the difficult person's feelings or putting them at distance, it's recognizing what is going on and not allowing one person to bring down the group as a whole which in turn can cause other members to stay away.

grace

October 20, 2010 3:51pm

Unfortunately, many articles that are written about "difficult people" cause one to develop an "us and them" mentality. "Isn't it unfortunate we have "them" in our group"......."Life would be som much easier if it were not for the constant issue "they" present". Many articles like this serve to foster an air of superiority in the one who isn't a "difficult person" and also causes one to label other people, often writing them off completely. It was great to read an article that talks about this issue we can face in group life - but reminds us that we just may be someone else's "difficult person" and that impossibility is in the eye of the beholder.

Lee

May 01, 2010 12:29pm

I know there are boundaries and I can choose how to respond to others, etc. But the suggestions sounded to me like how to keep "difficult people" at a polite arm's length. (while I pat myself on the back for being so "gracious" in the midst of the trial of having them in my group). Where's the suggestion to take the time to get to know someone? Maybe to try to see the person behind the hurt/anger/sadness/beef/bite/bellyache. I know I have seen glimpses of God's unending mercy and grace in the midst of sharing in someone's life story (even if it's full of hurt and bellyaching and things not positive). I am exceedingly grateful to the God who loves me and for the people who have walked beside me through my own hurt, anger, sadness, doubt and other emotions, attitudes and behaviors that may have made me the subject of this article. It is there that Jesus and the gospel of His grace became so much more than a theological belief - He became real and alive and working in our lives.

Kareful