Dealing with Miscarriage Loss

Advice on how to comfort a couple that has suffered a miscarriage, and what not to do.

Last year we tragically lost a child to miscarriage. Being a visible pastoral couple, our private tragedy became public. Some people responded to our pain positively; others were not so tactful. Our small group ministered to us in incredible ways. We share our experience to help you comfort—in a grace-filled and restorative way—a friend or family member who has lost a baby.

Do …

  • Acknowledge that miscarriage involves the loss of a baby. You might say, "I'm so sorry to hear about your loss."
  • Send cards, flowers, and notes as you would if your friend had lost any other family member.
  • Share your experience with pregnancy loss. Twenty percent of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. We discovered a whole subculture of others who had experienced a loss similar to ours. Their stories, coping strategies, and journeys toward regaining hope helped us tremendously.
  • Remember the baby's due date. When our child's due date rolled around, our small group overwhelmed us with love and sensitivity. We received cards and flowers from every couple in the group. One couple gave us a gift certificate for a quiet dinner together, another a tree to plant in honor of our child.
  • Remember the father also suffers a loss. Give him a chance to vent his feelings. One of Keith's friends took him to lunch periodically just to ask, "How are you feeling?"

Don't …

  • Say, "This is God's way of taking care of a problem pregnancy" Or "You can always have another child"
  • Defend or make excuses for God.
  • Talk incessantly about babies around parents after they have experienced miscarriage. Realize these couples want children, and would like to share in jovial conversation, yet sadness burdens their hearts.

Hopefully, these thoughts will help you ...

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