Q & A
Q & A Discussion: Rick Howerton
I'm a small-group coach, and I just learned that one of my leaders is addicted to pornography. How should I handle this?
| Topics: | Accountability, Addiction, Bondage, Counseling, Pornography |
| Filters: | Coach, Director, Pastor, Train |
| Purpose: | Discipleship |
| References: |  |
| Date Added: | August 10, 2009 |
Restore him gently. This is the only and best option. When the Bible specifically tells us what to do, that is our only alternative and obligation. And the Bible does speak to this situation. Paul wrote, "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently" (Galatians 6:1).
The small-group leader you are responsible for is not dealing with the effects of a poor decision, a misunderstood dereliction of duty, or a one-time experience with the fantasy he sought out on his computer screen. He is being held captive by the enemy and can be freed from the cell he is in. Remember, when Jesus was first asked why he came to earth, he quoted this verse: "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners" (Isaiah 61:1).
The real question we must answer is, "How do we work in tandem with God to restore this man to be the emancipated creature God made him into when he chose to be a Christ follower?"
There are some specific steps that are effective an appropriate. First, approach him and speak the truth in love, letting him know that you are aware of his situation and that you would like to work with him to overcome this sin. Let him know that you have a plan that you would like to discuss with him. Show him the steps you find below and see if he will commit to the requests you are making.
This is the process for restoring your leader gently:
- You will be relieved of your duties as a small-group leader so you can focus on the healing process.
- You will join an addiction support group and/or see a Christian counselor who can help you.
- If you see a counselor rather join a support group, be willing to get together with a group of men weekly for encouragement, prayer, support, and accountability. This will also be the group of believers you will confess this sin to. Remember that confessing your sin is vital to the healing process. James told us: "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16).
- Remove sources of temptation by agreeing to put some kind of software on your computer that will block all questionable images and websites.
- Be willing to call me anytime you are tempted in this way.
Here are some other issues you might be wondering about at this point:
- Should he continue to attend the small group he was leading? Only if the group is willing to encourage him through the process. If this is a couple's group, the wife's feelings should also be taken into consideration.
- Should the pastor be told about this? Yes. A person the church leadership has given authority to is dealing with a difficult life issue. The pastor may want to be there to encourage and care for him through this process.
- Should he ever be in leadership again? If grace is real and full restoration is possible through Jesus Christ, then he may well lead again.
- How long should he be away from a leadership role? As long as it takes for him to find freedom from this sin. When his counselor, his wife, the support group or men's group he's been meeting sees and says that they all believe he is a new man, he should be placed in an apprentice role and then restored as a small-group leader when the leader he is apprenticing with is confident that he is ready to get back in the game. He will be a better leader than he was before!
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Yes, I think this will work, BUT ONLY IF THE LEADER CONCERNED IS A WILLING PARTICIPANT and all involved keep everything confidential.
If it is a married man, what about the wife? Do you have a suggested healing plan for her/them?
I have seen this work. Not exactly the same scenario. It involved drugs and a youth group leader. The church worked with the leader. During that time, the leader stayed at our church and worked throught the process. He was restored gently, by those who loved him. He did not re-enter a leadership role at the end, but maybe he will at some point.
I like the fact of restoring him gently, something like this happened with one of my leaders and they stepped down and stay in the group. The group really took them in to help with the process and they could totally lead again sometime. I believe it is important to reasure them that we are all in a constant growth and learning journey as we aim to be fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ and we need to constantly turn to God for our help. As a coach you need to poor into them and help guide back to the main thin and that is a true relationship with God. Thanks I look forward to hearing how it turns out. Peace and God Bless
Do you really think this is going to work, I mean have you tried this theory of internvention out? What about issues of privacy and respect of that? Do you really think that the small group leader in question will tolerate all the shame associated with this or will leave and go to another church?
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