Gossip Girls (and Guys)
Help Darryl address a bad habit developing among several group members.
| Topics: | Confidentiality, Conflict, Gossip, Group dynamics, Problems |
| Filters: | Group Leader, Group Member, Lead |
| Purpose: | Fellowship |
| Date Added: | May 30, 2011 |
Darryl is having a bad day, and it's not because traffic added another 20 minutes to his commute home. What's bothering him is the message he received on Facebook before he left work: "I heard about your doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'll be praying that everything turns out okay."
Darryl received this message from his friend Jim. Actually, Jim is more of an acquaintance, but he works at a real-estate office with Sally, who is a member of Darryl's small group. The night before, Darryl had shared during the prayer time that his doctor was concerned about a discolored mole on Darryl's arm, and he was going in for an appointment to have it checked out. This was the first time Darryl had shared that information with anyone other than his wife.
The other reason Darryl is having a bad day is because this is not the first time something like this has happened. Several months ago Darryl shared in the group that he was experiencing a high level of stress at work, and that he sometimes wondered if he should seek a new career. The next day he received a text from George, who works in Darryl's office, encouraging him to "hang in there." And, as it happens, George lives in the same apartment building as Leon and Pam—a couple who attend Darryl's group.
So, Darryl is now convinced that several members of his group are sharing information too freely. Are they gossiping? he wonders, or is this just a bad habit? Darryl's has stressed confidentiality with his group before, but now he is starting to feel like something more official needs to be done.
But what?
Can you help him? What should Darryl do?
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I'm with Steve. It should be confronted personally, bibilically and privately. If they don't listen, then we should bring others in. Gossip breaks down the trust of the group. Some groups cannot survive it. It's a big subject, Daryl.
Perhaps Darryl can print out the boundaries for his group, than go over them one by one, stressing why each boundary is necessary. Let the group know that Darryl is aware that some of the group are sharing news that they should not share outside of group without permission. I don't feel this in malicious gossip; it is Darryl's friends wanting as much prayer as possibloe for a good outcome. However, they need to realize that it is up to Darryl as to when and as to who it is shared. Some of his own family may not be aware of his situation.
This is the risk in small group - will every member take confidentiality as serious as the rest of the group...the same goes with trust. I agree with Steve Gladen...in a small group I facilitate we have a covenent that is based on Matthew 18: 15-17. It has worked so far. When an individual cannot be respectful to Matthew 16 process or the covenent, they are asked to leave. I was in another small group as a participant and my confidentiality was broken. After talking with the person who ultimately said she did not see what she had done as wrong, I left the group. It was the best decision for me.
Darryl has to revisit /recap the initial rules of conduct agreed to at the beginning of the group session. Then enquire from the group what should be done in a case where group issues shared confidentially find their way outside of the group members.
Daryl report it buddy... first of all to your sgl, but if you suspect he is complicit and lacks understanding take it further. This is a serious breach of trust and at this stage would need intervention from the senior minister or such. Personal approaches seem not to have worked for Daryl apparently,at least with this group. Again a code of behaviour which most churches I know use in some form, detailing confidentiality responsibilities needs to be revisited. Maybe to avoid undue discomfort an overall exhortation could come from the pulpit to the congregation.The small group leader would then need to re-enforce this in the small group meeting
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