Debbie Downer
Help Darryl deal with an overly negative group member.
| Topics: | Attitude, Bitterness, Complaints, Criticism, Difficult people, Frustration |
| Filters: | Coach, Facilitator, Group Leader, Host, Lead |
| Purpose: | Discipleship |
| Date Added: | October 24, 2011 |
Darryl's group has been meeting consistently for six months. They have enjoyed their study on missional small groups, and everyone has had a lot of ideas and thoughts to share. One week they discussed getting involved regularly in the community as a group, and Courtney immediately identified an ongoing need at the local elementary school. The group members were really excited about the idea and started brainstorming how they might fill the need. Debbie, though, mentioned about 15 reasons it wouldn't work.
Another week they discussed inviting friends and family members to small-group meetings and events to give them a picture of Christian community. Hank shared that he'd been thinking about inviting his neighbor Mike, and this discussion was prompting him to take that step. The group prayed together that Mike would visit the group and that they could show him a glimpse of authentic Christian living. Debbie, though, commented that Mike would never come, and even if he did, she wouldn't want to share in front of a stranger.
This week the group discussed how offering prayer for the needs of their friends and family members who are unbelievers can be a great witness. Sally shared how she had the opportunity to pray for a coworker who recently had been diagnosed with cancer. Her coworker had been encouraged by Sally's offer to pray for him in his need. Debbie, though, commented that Sally should not have gotten his hopes up because God doesn't answer prayers like that very often.
That was the last straw for Darryl. Debbie's discouraging comments are bringing down the whole group. He's worried that if Debbie keeps making these comments, the group will become an unsafe place and group members will be discouraged from living out what they're learning. Maybe Debbie's just bringing an honest opinion to the discussion, or maybe she's just being negative. Darryl isn't sure how to handle this situation.
What should Darryl do?
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I have had at least two negative people in my Bible study that I've had to deal with. The first thing I do is remind everyone that our group is a safe place and that everyone should be able to speak freely and understand that everything said in the group should be considered confidential and that everyone should be respected. I remind them that our group is so strong because of our mutual love for God, for growing in understanding His Word and our fellowship and love for each other. I try to address the entire group and remind them to reach out to each other not only during the group, but outside the group as well. Pray for each other and love each other. I try to attack the negativity with the collective love from the group as whole. See next post:
I'm interested in what Maria has to say....Maria, would you come around and be positive, or would you continue to hold your perspective, express it, and perhaps continue the tension, which btw, will most likely make it uncomfortable for everyone. I do think eliminating tension is the goal, yes, worked through to everyone's satisfaction ideally, but perhaps there comes a time for one such as you to hold her piece...yes?
First of all I am that person (debbie) at least that's what I've been told. I'm NOT the most fun to be around because I look at things from a different perspective. I would thank Debbie for her perspective because it is a benefit to have a person who can see where things can go wrong. On the other hand, I would challenge Debbie to see a positive perspective. It won't be easy but this is a place where she should grow. People like Debbie and myself bring a lot of tension to a group. The goal should not be to eliminate tension, but to work through the tension in a health way.
Debbie may have a hurt in her own life that is causing the negative comments. Spending some quality time with her to discover what's going on in her life may be the answer and provide the coaching opportunity to move her beyond this style of feedback. Her fears are feeding the group and till there's some pastoral touch to help her with this problem she may not turn the corner.
Tell Debbie to put her finger into a glass of water, then remove her finger. Ask her then to show you EXACTLY where her finger had been. Her input may not be that valuable over time, especially if she is always negative and/or has ALL of the answers to every situation. The point is that she may not have all of the answers. People come from all sorts of experiences in their lives and most of them do not need a lot of negative input unless the kid is about to put his finger on the hot stove. She may need to keep quiet a little or leave the group. I would very kindly ask her to hold her tongue or please leave the group if her actions are chronic.
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Help your group learn about conflict and reconciliation in the Christian community
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