People Are Not Projects

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How to keep a Kingdom focus when your people move on

by Dan Lentz | posted 11/02/2009

Topics:	Coach, Flexibility, Group leader, Life cycles
Filters:	Coach, Group Leader, Train
Purpose:	Discipleship
References:	Ephesians 4:12 , 1 John 4:19
Date Added:	November 02, 2009

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The Conversation

Stewart and Debbie were in the small group my wife and I led for more than a year. Our families really connected and it became obvious Stew and Deb were both gifted for ministry. My wife and I asked them to be apprentice group leaders, and they agreed.

Over time, our group grew and then multiplied. Stew and Deb took over leadership of the original group, while my wife and I launched out to start a new group. Stew and Deb became the solid group leaders I had envisioned them being. Their group grew. They developed an apprentice leader and, eventually, their group multiplied again!

Stew and I kept meeting throughout this time. I was overseeing small groups church-wide back then, and it became clear that Stew had a vision for the overall small-group ministry. I decided to ask Stew to consider moving into a senior leadership position in the larger church, helping oversee small groups along with me. I told him I wanted him to do what I was doing in the near future. I believed that God had prepared him for that role and the church needed his leadership gifts and values. As for Stew, he was humble about the possibility, but he didn't shrink away from it. He clearly had the vision and the heart for the ministry.

We continued to meet. Several months passed until, one day over breakfast, we had "the conversation." "Dan," he said, "we've decided to leave. We are transferring to another church."

If you've been in ministry very long, you've probably had "the conversation" at least once. I pray you haven't gone through it very often, because it is a blow to the gut and it can take the wind out of you for a very long time. I asked Stew why he was leaving. He told me his family needed things our local church wasn't providing. The truth was his family did have very legitimate special needs, and the truth was that we couldn't provide for some of those needs in our current structure of ministry.

My initial reaction was all too typical. I wanted to say: "Why are you leaving, really!? Did I do something or say something that made this happen? Why haven't you talked to me about this before now? I've invested so much time in you and your family just to have you walk away?" Indeed, these experiences do bring you face to face with your own weaknesses and insecurities as a leader.

After talking to Stew more, I realized this wasn't a rash decision. Sometimes you can talk people through it and change their minds, but other times they've been thinking about it under the surface long enough that there's no turning back. I knew Stew's decision was made, and now I needed to figure out how to react to this new reality.

How to Move Forward

Here's what I'm learning about these situations. When someone we've been discipling decides to move on, it doesn't really matter what their reasoning is. Stew's decision could have been anything legitimate: "I'm switching jobs and relocating," or "The church is going in a different direction than our family is going," or "God is calling me to do something different." You fill in the blank. Regardless of the reason, the real issue involves getting past our own expectations and agendas to see where the Lord is still at work. As leaders, we must see our relationships and ministry to one another as more important than success at our "ministry job."

Believe me, there are still organizational things we need to do in these situations. There are feelings to deal with and tough conversations that have to happen. But at some point in the process it's important to get past ourselves and realize: "This is not about my efforts or success. Stew is not my 'project.' People are not projects!"

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John

November 09, 2009 12:05pm

I think thelast point was the most important: don't lose the relationship. If the relationship was only based on the institutional ministry needs and was not personal or deeper than that, the people were indeed only a project. I know we've moved on from a church recently and remain good friends with a number of people there; our relationship was not dependent on the institution.

Susan Meissner

November 05, 2009 11:42am

"Regardless of the reason, the real issue involves getting past our own expectations and agendas to see where the Lord is still at work." Great article. This line above really is the key to embracing a change like this one. When Paul and Barnanas parted, they had to realize this very same thing, and surely did. p.s. you might want to change the "you're" to "your!"

ByHisHand

November 05, 2009 10:05am

I have seen times when God shakes up a church pulling some out that have been serving diligently so that new people will be challenged to step up to where God is calling them and those that left could strengthen new or ill equipped churches. All were blessed and all remained loving family that God moved, not a falling away. There may have been some hurts that needed to heal in some cases, but I have seen much forgiveness and repentance in that too. We must trust God and continue to love and support from both sides of the separation. Remember Paul and Barnabus, God used their separation for the forwarding of the gospel and so that they would not have a broken relationship. Even John Mark was restored to Paul as a better equipped disciple because of the amical break.

Dan

November 05, 2009 6:17am

This is one of the more difficult aspects of leadership. Pastors spend time getting to know someone, training, entrusting, and discipling then unexpectedly - blowee! They turn on you with unfair criticism, gossip about you or leave in an ungracious manner. The challenge that presents itself in such times is to soldier on. For some reason, these painful separations shout loudly compared to the muted whispers of those whom God has touched. A wiser and more senior pastor once told me that the naysayers should not be allowed to determine agendas. Learn to tune them out and focus on the work you are called to do. Focus on faithfulness and leave success up to God.

Renee

November 04, 2009 7:38pm

Dan, I feel your pain and this article is dead on. I have gone through this a number of times and it always feels like rejection. Thanks for reminding us that there are bigger things at stake, like the kingdom and the other person's walk with God. Being sad to see a relationship change is one thing, but feeling a blow to your ego or ministry (as I often have) is a sign that we have lost perspective. It is hard, however, to continue starting over again relationally, knowing that more often than not the person you invest in and grow close to will one day move on in one way or another.