Where the Divorced Get More than Sympathy

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An innovative small-groups ministry for a neglected group of people

by John J. Van der Graaf | posted 8/31/2007

Topics:	Divorce, Evangelism, Openness, Outreach, Recovery groups, Starting groups, Support groups
Filters:	Coach, Couples, Director, Pastor, Recovery groups, Start, Support groups
Purpose:	Evangelism
References:	John 8:1-11 , 1 Corinthians 7:10-16
Date Added:	August 31, 2007

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Late one July afternoon, as another recently divorced woman left my office wiping tears from her eyes, it struck me that people like her really had no place of their own—particularly in church. They didn't fit in single's groups comprised mainly of young adults never married. They didn't feel fully accepted in the church's family activities. In the one place people come to seek support and solace, divorced people continued to feel lonely, rejected, and forgotten.

Getting Started

I made a resolution to see what St. Mark's could do to meet their special needs. First, I asked a divorcee named Norma Smith for ideas. We began to map out a ministry to separated and divorced people in our community.

As we talked about starting a support group, we knew what we did not want. We were not interested in a place for socializing, for date-hunters. We were also not interested in a place for "painalogues"—the tiresome routine of, "Let me tell how rotten my husband/wife was to me!" It must be, we determined, a group that provided education, emotional and psychological support, and spiritual affirmation and nurture. That called for definite structure.

The church and the group were clear from the beginning that we did not condone divorce. In fact, we hated it. Because we knew the hurt and pain it causes, we wanted to reach out in love and enable people who had experienced it to begin life anew. But which should come first—acceptance and caring or correction and the call to repentance for past wrongs?

I'm a firm believer that people have to take responsibility for their own behavior, and I knew from my counseling that hard questions would have to be faced somewhere along the way. What caused the marriage to fail? Since the majority of divorced people do remarry eventually, it was all the more important that they learn from past failures, admit wrongs, and prepare for a healthy relationship in the future.

But we decided that would not be our starting point. First we had to try and bind up the wounds.

Taking Shape

Following our discussion, Norma and I handpicked five divorced persons to meet and evaluate our thoughts and ideas. That group enthusiastically decided to form "Divorced Christians of North County" (our church is located in northern St. Louis County). At further weekly meetings, the steering committee outlined nine monthly meetings. Topics included:

The Biblical and Theological Approaches to Divorce
Feelings in Divorce
Re-entry into Society
Financial Management
Self-image and Self-Esteem
Children, Custody, and Guilt Feelings
Remarriage: Legal and Emotional Ramifications

I recruited a psychotherapist, a financial counselor, and an attorney for some of the topics. I accepted others for myself. Our first meeting was set for September 1. We sent letters to all the United Methodist churches in our area, and also placed notices in neighborhood newspapers. Fifteen people showed up.

News of the group spread, and it began to grow rapidly. We quickly realized that meeting once a month would not be enough. We decided to meet each Thursday evening from 7 to 9:30. People from all over the area and from every denomination began to attend.

The 2 1/2-hour format remained constant:

A half hour of socializing over coffee
Presentation by the evening's speaker
Small-group discussion of the presentation
Open discussion in plenary session
Group business and adjournment

Name tags, of course, are a must in this kind of meeting. So is childcare.

A governing council was elected from within the membership. One man—a United Methodist minister who, divorced himself and experienced in working with such programs, is now a therapist and divorce/marriage mediator—became the group's ongoing facilitator. Another pastor helped us get financial support from the denomination and from other churches and sources.

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