When Divorce Visits Your Small Group

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What to do in the likely event of a marital crisis

by Lee Dean | posted 9/15/2004

Topics:	Bitterness, Controversy, Distractions, Division, Divorce, Group dynamics, Support groups
Filters:	Coach, Couples, Host, Lead, Leader, Pastor, Support groups
Purpose:	Fellowship
References:	1 Corinthians 7:10-16 , 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Date Added:	September 15, 2004

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Note: This article has been excerpted from the SmallGroups.com Suvival Guide Dealing with Divorce in Your Small Group.

Whether your small group is open or closed, or whether or not you always leave an empty chair, there's one uninvited guest hovering around the meeting place ready to barge into the proceedings. The longer your group lasts, the more likely this intruder is to make an appearance. The name of this party crasher is divorce.

The chances are good that either a couple or an individual in your small group will have to wrestle directly with this crisis, which means the entire group will deal with it as well. What should a small group leader do to prepare for the impact of divorce on individuals, couples, and the group?

Be Prepared

The statistics about divorce are by now all too familiar. Half of all first marriages end in divorce, while 60 percent of all remarriages eventually fall apart. The divorce rates among evangelical Christians are little better than the rates of the population as a whole. Now plug these statistics into the life of a church small group. Logic tells you that small groups would not be immune to the problem, and logic would be correct.

This is especially true if the group stays together for a longer period of time. Dennis Anderson—pastor of adult ministries at Crossroads Covenant Church in Loveland, Colorado—estimates that if a group has been meeting for three or more years, the chances are better than 50-50 that someone in the group will be dealing with divorce. Almost every group has members who are affected by the divorce of a family member or a friend.

Be Alert

A small group leader must be alert to warning signs that a marriage is in trouble. The leader must also know how to deal with divorce after the fact. The bottom line is that small group leaders should always be on the lookout for signs of marital breakup and ways to minister to people affected by divorce. But on the lookout for exactly what?

Verbal clues. Watch for how a husband and wife talk to each other, both in the group and in non-group social settings. Be alert for someone criticizing his or her spouse in front of another group member. Behavior at social events can be the most telltale sign of impending trouble, because some people are less inhibited at social events than at group meetings.
Physical clues. Leaders should watch for how couples touch each other, their posture, and how closely they sit next to each other. "Is there warmth?" asks Rex Minor, pastor of adult discipleship at Calvary Community Church in Westlake Village, California. "If you're in a group with people for six weeks, you can just tell if there's marital warmth or marital distance."
Behavioral clues. Watch for changes in behavior. If a person is usually talkative and begins to brood or is unusually quiet, it may be time to ask whether there's a problem. Watch for flashes of anger from a normally calm and quiet person. The surest sign of trouble is when one or both of the couple stops attending the meetings.
Hidden clues. Another sign of trouble is more hidden: when an individual does not open up or become vulnerable enough to share their struggles. Your course is to continue to be observant and gently challenge people when their words don't match up with their attitudes, postures, and behaviors. "We're not called to be mind readers, but we are called to love each other and ask questions," says Minor.

Be Proactive

Because timing is so important when dealing with sensitive issues, leaders should keep the following in mind:

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