Listening Repaired

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Wisdom from the Book of Proverbs that can help you listen well

by Kathleen Miller | posted 10/01/2007

Topics:	Communication, Connecting, Dialogue, Interpersonal skills, Listening, Patience
Filters:	Coach, Leader, New leader, Train
Purpose:	Ministry
References:	Proverbs 12:18 , Proverbs 15:28 , Proverbs 18:2 , Proverbs 18:13
Date Added:	October 01, 2007

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A friend of mine recently described a conversation that occurred as he purchased a minivan from a young couple. During the transaction, he asked if they had any children. The husband remarked that their daughter would have been six, and they had a son who was two.

My friend would have missed the implication that their daughter had died if he hadn't been listening carefully. Any response that failed to address that fact would have hurt them further. But he did hear, and he understood the significance of what the man had said. He asked about their daughter and gave them an opportunity to tell their story. His wise response brought comfort instead of reopening old wounds.

Weighty Words

"The heart of the righteous weighs its answers" (Proverbs 15:28). In addition to being reckless, at times our words do not help others because we've not weighed our answers appropriately. When friends or family toss out tentative comments to test the waters—casually mentioning an ill parent or lightly touching on some worry—do they hear a shallow response or an invitation to share more?

Our responses reveal how well we have listened. Others can hear our sympathy, or lack of it. The extent to which we weigh our words reflects how seriously we've taken our friends' concerns.

Yield!

"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise" (Proverbs 10:19). After reading that sobering verse, I made efforts to practice it. In situations where I might have jumped into a group conversation, I worked to keep quiet. When someone asked my opinion, I gave it. If someone interrupted me, I yielded and consciously responded with body language and facial expressions instead of words.

No one seemed to miss what I might have added. When I did speak, people considered what I had to say important. Sometimes no one asked me to finish a story, but it didn't matter. I felt more connected with the members of the group after listening to them than I would have if I had talked more.

The Fount of Wisdom

"For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding" (Proverbs 2:6). When Jane called me, she probably assumed I would have some biblical wisdom to share. Or perhaps she hoped I had spent time in prayer, particularly for her, and would help shoulder her burden. Those expectations were fair.

As believers, we must dwell in the Scriptures if we hope to speak words of knowledge and understanding. Only then will what we say reflect God's perspective. Even when a particular biblical truth is relevant, however, we must still listen carefully before offering it. The Bible is full of the Father's wisdom, but we must resist the urge to treat it as his "fix-it" manual.

As we practice setting our words aside and listening actively, and as we grow in our knowledge of God, his words will become our words. He will lead us as we listen to our friends. Then we can respond with wisdom to those who are disheartened. Our caring responses will reveal God's love and deepen our friendship with them.

Discuss:

In which of your relationships are you most likely to interrupt?
Which of the above skills does our group demonstrate most often?
What are some practical steps our group could take to improve in one or more of the above skills?

Interested in learning more about practical skills to use in your small group? Check out these great training resources from BuildingSmallGroups.com:

Becoming a Great Listener: This download features practical skills and advice that will help you improve as a listener. It also includes helpful ways to administer those skills in a small-group setting.
Go Deeper with God: Discover the art of contemplative prayer and how to listen for God's replies. Explore the concept of lectio divina and how it applies to a better understanding of, and closer relationship to, God.
Intentional Shepherding: Shepherding others can be an intentional experience. Discover what it means to intentionally shepherd people within your sphere of influence.

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